Jumpers

Jumpers: could you have
the decency not to fuck
up my commute, please?

patterned tights

Your patterned tights make
your legs appear infected
by a skin disease

delete you

As an editor,
I'd like to delete you with
a stroke of my pen.

Pay cut

A pay cut disguised
as a promotion is still
a pay cut, assholes.

i don't care

I don't care what you
do, as long as you never
speak to me again.

So little to show

How sad that you are
so old and have so little
to show for your life.

Happy birthday!

Happy birthday! Here
is a pinata full of
bees to celebrate!

How terrible

How sad that once I
stop hating you, noone will
still care about you.

I wish

I wish you had not
been born. I know it's cliche
but it is still true.

not your mother

I'm not your mother
my responsibilities
do not include you

I hate you so much

I hate you so much
you deserve what comes to you
as long as it's bad

motorcycle man

your motorcycle
does not make you look sexy
please drive it away

abject humiliation

you deserve abject
humiliation, shame, you
lying piece of shit.

you know, right?

You are aware, right,
that dying your hair blonder
won't make you less fat?

your perfume

your perfume is strong
so strong that I sneezed on you
on purpose just now

where you sleep

it is a good thing
i do not know where you sleep
you worthless liar

don't call

If you ever think
of calling me, remember
that I hate your guts.

New Yorkers aren't rude

New Yorkers aren't rude
it's just that your fat ass is
blocking the stairway

kill yourself

it is amazing
how much of an ass you are
please go kill yourself

the key to women

the key to women
sleeping with you more than once
is not being you

please wait

if you could just wait
to have sex until i leave
that would be great. thanks.

forties on the playground

i don't bring forties
to the playground, so keep your
kids out of the bar

what i think of you

you are a lying,
worthless, disgusting, sorry
excuse for a man

on the incorrectly named "ground zero mosque"

New York elitists
know, at least: Muslim does not
equal terrorist.

the subway

the subway is not
soap box, stage, or money tree
so shut the hell up

your baby

Your baby is gross
But like a car accident
I can't look away

don't ask

Don't fucking ask me
To do one more goddamn thing
Or I will lose it