go lay down

Go lay down in a
coffin, and don't bother to
get back up again

channel the hate

Let me just channel
my hate into the verbal
asskicking you need.

blame

There really should be
someone to blame for all the
worst things that happen.

tiny skirts

Lady, I would wear
tiny skirts, too, if my face
looked worse than my legs.

misery is a choice

Misery is a
choice i have not made. Take your
complaining elsewhere.

pretentious

Your use of big words
makes you sound like an asshole,
not like you are smart.

Oh, how I hate you

Oh, how I hate you.
Let me count the ways. Oh right,
All of them. Each. One.

walkers

Fat asses abreast
on the running trail; where is
my BB gun now?

your face

have you been beaten
with a bag of marbles, or
is that just your face?

shut up

i will strangle you
with your own tongue if you don't
shut the fuck up NOW.

your ass

I should not have to
see your ass flapping below
the hem of your shorts.

dear cancer

Cancer, you can please
go suck a big fat diseased
dick and then fuck off.

listen

why bother to ask
for my opinion when you
refuse to listen?

unwelcome

dear sir, your penis
is not welcome in my hand
just because we danced

Marzzzzzz

Hello, faithful readers!

In case you missed it, I wrote a fun guest post for Marz Daily Media that was published a few days ago. It's a fake news story about Facebook making its users have higher friending standards.

http://marzdailymedia.com/2011/08/09/facebook-%E2%80%9Chave-standards-people%E2%80%9D/


Enjoy, and take a look around Marz's site. He's pretty fun.

Love and hate,
Lizzie

hipsters

hipsters, don't you know
how ridiculous you look?
ironically, not.

mucous plug

the words "mucous plug"
should never be uttered, on
Facebook or elsewhere

Oh, you hate the US?

If you hate living
here so much, go starve to death
in Somalia.

bodily fluids (special double hate haiku!!!)

can we just agree
that the bodily fluids
of your kids are gross?

and also, let's say
they don't warrant discussion
in status updates

my brain is up here

hey asshole, i know
you think you're being smooth, but
my brain is up here

freak flag

let your freak flag fly
by all means, just don't ask me
to watch it, or care

common sense

Please take some of your
bloated salary and buy
common sense classes.

linebacker

Today, I am the
linebacker, and you are the
jackass on your phone.

I quit

Dear job, I hate you.
You've ruined my life and killed
my spirit. I quit.

A Haiku for the End Times

You suck at your job.
It's making my job harder.
Hope you get raptured.