Monday, August 29, 2011

go lay down

Go lay down in a
coffin, and don't bother to
get back up again

Friday, August 26, 2011

channel the hate

Let me just channel
my hate into the verbal
asskicking you need.

Thursday, August 25, 2011


There really should be
someone to blame for all the
worst things that happen.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

tiny skirts

Lady, I would wear
tiny skirts, too, if my face
looked worse than my legs.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

misery is a choice

Misery is a
choice i have not made. Take your
complaining elsewhere.

Monday, August 22, 2011


Your use of big words
makes you sound like an asshole,
not like you are smart.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Oh, how I hate you

Oh, how I hate you.
Let me count the ways. Oh right,
All of them. Each. One.

Thursday, August 18, 2011


Fat asses abreast
on the running trail; where is
my BB gun now?

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

your face

have you been beaten
with a bag of marbles, or
is that just your face?

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

shut up

i will strangle you
with your own tongue if you don't
shut the fuck up NOW.

Monday, August 15, 2011

your ass

I should not have to
see your ass flapping below
the hem of your shorts.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

dear cancer

Cancer, you can please
go suck a big fat diseased
dick and then fuck off.

Saturday, August 13, 2011


why bother to ask
for my opinion when you
refuse to listen?

Friday, August 12, 2011


dear sir, your penis
is not welcome in my hand
just because we danced

Thursday, August 11, 2011


Hello, faithful readers!

In case you missed it, I wrote a fun guest post for Marz Daily Media that was published a few days ago. It's a fake news story about Facebook making its users have higher friending standards.

Enjoy, and take a look around Marz's site. He's pretty fun.

Love and hate,


hipsters, don't you know
how ridiculous you look?
ironically, not.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

mucous plug

the words "mucous plug"
should never be uttered, on
Facebook or elsewhere

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Oh, you hate the US?

If you hate living
here so much, go starve to death
in Somalia.

bodily fluids (special double hate haiku!!!)

can we just agree
that the bodily fluids
of your kids are gross?

and also, let's say
they don't warrant discussion
in status updates

Monday, August 8, 2011

my brain is up here

hey asshole, i know
you think you're being smooth, but
my brain is up here

Sunday, August 7, 2011

freak flag

let your freak flag fly
by all means, just don't ask me
to watch it, or care

Saturday, August 6, 2011

common sense

Please take some of your
bloated salary and buy
common sense classes.

Friday, August 5, 2011


Today, I am the
linebacker, and you are the
jackass on your phone.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

I quit

Dear job, I hate you.
You've ruined my life and killed
my spirit. I quit.